FLIGHTS

Cruise news: In Friday's newsletter we stated that MSC Opera cruise OP026 leaves on the 15th, when it actually leaves on the 17th Feb 2013. Our apologies, & our thanks to a reader for pointing this out.

The Purple shall rule! Q&A with a flight attendant:

Have you ever found anything valuable left behind by the passengers? "People leave ipads/laptops pretty frequently. We try our best to get them back to them!"

What did flight attendant training consist of? "A wide variety of stuff really. Security, medical training, aircraft specifics, equipment, evacuations, flight services, scheduling. It's a pretty different lifestyle you have to get to learn. Best kind of training is your first week actually doing it. You learn all you need to know then."

How soon after takeoff can I put my seat back? "There is no OFFICIAL rule for that. I'd say to be safe, when the first announcement is made saying you can use electronics and such is a fine time. Some people do it right after takeoff, but if something were to happen the poor person behind them would have a tougher time getting out. As long as its up until takeoff and up before land, you're good."

How is a tiny mp3 player more dangerous during takeoff than the screen on the back of the seat? "It isn't, because any and all instruments require a load of shielding from electromagnetic interference. The magnetosphere and atmosphere shield us on the ground from a lot of radiation from space and/or the sun. The amount of radiation is significantly higher when you're 10 kilometers up in the air, the flight instruments can cope with that no problem. Therefore, the minimal amount of interference your MP3 player might give off is in no way significant to the flight instruments, if it even reaches that far. There has been a rather large amount of research done on this, but a mythbusters episode is probably more accessible: they took a business jet and blasted the instruments with something like a thousand or a million times the radiation/energy a mobile phone can physically produce, and the instruments were not affected in any way."

How do I get more free booze? "There are a variety of tricks, but they all hinge on buying one first. First of all, be engaging. That's much more than a please and thank you thing. That's making a small quip or joke. You must stand out to the attendant in a positive way. It helps if you're a charmer, but if not sit down and brain storm how you could stand out ordering whatever you drink. I'm not talking about ordering a martini in a Sean Connery Scottish accent (protip: they don't have shakers on domestic flights.) I'm talking about being just engaging and humorous enough that you stand out amongst the sea of disinterested humanity that surrounds you. Actually, that's a good tip for life. Do that every where you go. Anyway, secondly fold a dollar or two twice and put your credit card into it when you pay for your first drink. That has a 50/50 shot of getting you a second $6 scotch later, or even a second one on the spot. The real trick here is that you have to be able to handle "We're not supposed to accept tips" in the right way. If you get that response, handle it thusly: Attendant: Sir, we're not allowed to accept tips. You: That is too bad. However, I always tip someone that serves me alcohol, so I must insist. Attendant: I actually can't accept this. You: That's fine. Don't accept it, but do take it. Give it to one of the people that restock the galley or clean up after us filthy passengers. Or something. It doesn't matter, you chose, it's just not my money any more. Attendant: Well...ok...My third tip is so bombastic and hilarious, I wouldn't expect anyone to really try it. More of an anecdote, really. It was a flight from Newark to Chicago a while back and the gentleman next to me was a true Professional. He bought one tiny white wine but had gotten 5 more for free by the end of the flight. It goes thusly: We were seated about 5 rows back from First Class. From the start of the flight, he did a couple small things wrong. Not having his bag fully under the seat, things like that. And the attendant would ask him to correct them and rather than begrudgingly comply, he would be incredibly apologetic. Like, over the top. "I am so sorry! I should know better and you must be sick and tired of telling people like me do to the things we have to do! I'm sorry, sorry, sorry! Your job must be so tough reminding us to do the things we obviously need to do! Thank you so much! I'm sure a ton of people don't realize how important it is to do the thing you just requested me to do. I just had a huge and stressful day and my mind's not where it should be! Thank you!" Basically, this is excessive milking it. There are better ways of doing what he did without making an attendant tell you to put your seat up. What he did was establish that he was a customer that appreciated the job the attendant did. He humbled himself by saying how stupid it was for him to make that error. He also crucially expressed understanding of why the seats up/shades up/tray tables up/bags secured thing is important. Essentially, he contrived to make himself the ideal passenger from the start. The fellow really sold it. So, drink service comes around. He bought a white wine. While he did it, he flirted with the attendant who was probably past her prime in passenger flirting (absolutely no offense to her, it's just that flirting with someone who every bored business flights with isn't endearing. Flighting with a forty-something lady who had recently been hurt over by a merger and lost her seniority so she'd been doing a Newark->O'Hare run at 9PM...that'll warm the cockles.) After service went all the way back, she came up to give him another wine. He said "aww, I was going to buy two, one for my new friend here." Then he flirted in the bantery-non-creepy way. She said no worries and gave us both free wine. Then, after the initial drink service ended in first class, he asked her if there was any wine left in the first class bottle and if so, we could possibly have some. With that ploy, he got a grip of extra glasses. You may think to yourself "Wow, that's awesome!" I don't. Rather than just being charming he intentionally imposed with his initial gambit. Plus, he spilled part of his last two glasses on me. My connection was too tight to change pants, so I had to run through O'Hare and board a flight reeking of booze after having one drink. I seriously had to apologize to my entire row and assure them I wasn't some sort of dangerous epileptic alcoholic. My 4th tip is, if anyone is a troublemaker to your attendant and you see it, acknowledge it with your attendant later. If they're doing service and there's somebody two rows ahead of you that gives them trouble about not having the airline's international route beverage selection, when they get to you do this: make your best incredulous face with both palms open and facing up and gesture at the jerk in question. Attendants love somebody that notices troublemakers. My last tip is: Ask nicely and quietly. Flutter your eyelashes."

Views expressed here aren't necessarily those of SouthAfrica.TO's.

The Bottom Line: "The monopolistic status of Air Botswana to operate scheduled air transport services has been formally revoked, hence opening up the skies to other operators. This followed the coming into effect of the Civil Aviation (Licensing of Air Services) Regulations of 2012, which were published in the government gazette in July and did not receive any objections from Parliament."