An open letter to Glenn Orsmond, a well known tubesteak at the 1time surf-lifesaving academy:
We are utterly outraged at the stunt which several Kulula kukes pulled in their "sexy swimsuits", as their spokewoman (Glenda Zvenyika) herself acknowledges. Not only does this attract the kind of attention you don't want to be getting in Boksburg; but it also brings the entire aviation industry into disrepute and makes a mockery of the Civil Aviation Authority's surf-lifesaving regulations. Contrary to what Justin Timberlake might believe, bringing sexy back has never saved anybody, 1time surf-skills maybe, but sexy - no.
In light of the laugh-a-minute fiasco of a show which the Kulula grommets put on at Boksburg By The Sea's public swimming pool, we feel compelled to write to you to put things right. What does Kulula think - that their MD82s are going to be landing in swimming pools! Has never happened and never will happen. I don't know what Gidon Novick and Erik Venter have been smoking since they got into that girl-fight with the Department of Labour - but their brains seem to have gone soft.
If a plane is going to ditch, it's going to be into the sea, and everybody knows that this would place the 1time special flight crew right onto their home turf where they want to be - the cabin crew would be "like one time, Dude - surf's up".
How could Gidon & Erik think that swimming in the Boksburg pool could possibly prepare you for a ditch into False Bay, those Kulula kiddies would be an easy snack for the Great Whites - they've never smelt the likes of Outer Kom, the swell of Durban's North Beach, Jeffrey's Bay or Dungeons (and possibly not even Sun City's valley of waves).
And then Gidon goes on to claim that they are the only airline offering a swimming academy for their crew - while this is strictly true it misses the point - why would an airline with the surfing ethos of 1time start a swimming academy for its attendants - this is akin to trying to teach Springbok rugby players how to walk.
We all know that the reason 1time staff decide to wax down their surfboards less often and take up cabin crew duty, is because of the CAA's requirement that flight attendants be able to assist with lifeguard duties. We propose that you restore some balance to the universe and show the South African public that 1time is truly living out the spirit of the Civil Aviation Authority's surf-lifesaving regulations, by doing what you've always wanted to do - moving 1time's headquarters to Durban beach.
We, the staff at SouthAfrica.TO, all agree that we would never feel safe having to be rescued by somebody who trained in a "sexy swimsuit " at Boksburg's municipal swimming pool.
See you at North Beach!
The staff at SouthAfrica.TO
ps Glenn, please join our 1time support group on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=11709215223