South African Aircrimes

Early each year, when the UCT students started going to varsity, they dress up funny on street corners and sell a magazine called "Sax Appeal". I bought a copy this year (2008), and stashed it away - now a few months later I've finally got to it and there are a few gems in there.

"Welcome to SAA, our national air (borne disease) carrier. SAA has been committing aircrimes against South Africans since 1934".

First class versus economy class

"While we pamper our first-class passengers, we give the Finger to the rest. If you were enough of a clot to book a thrombosis-class ticket, you won't survive our triage policy of in-flight servitude. Our flighty attendants are trained to ignore your every need."

21st Century discomfort

"SAA's economy class now has extra leg-room - assuming you have prosthetic legs that will fit in the overhead compartment. We've put video equipment underneath the seats, eliminating the need to put your feet there. These exciting features of our new fleet of long-haul planes will intensify your (relief) pleasure at disembarkation.

Loss of Cabin Pressure

In case of emergency

Meals

"We have a choice of meals:

'Yes please, I would like the meal' (for those with the culinary discernment of trough eaters); and
'No thanks, I have too much respect for my colon.'

Baggage 'Services'

"At the aptly named OR Tambo International Airport, either you OR your luggage will make it on to the plane. In the highly likely event that your luggage does not arrive at your destination with you."

Voyeur-jer Programme

"Our customer loyalty programme promises frequent flyers the sky, but delivers bupkes. You can earn miles, but it's nearly impossible to redeem them. We skilfully limit the number of upgradeable seats available per flight. "