Kulula Humour

Kulula's airline attendants and pilots are known for injecting a sense of humour into situations:

"Please pay attention to the safety announcement, because you will be writing a test shortly".
"If you are caught smoking, you will be asked to leave the aircraft".
"You could be fined up to R7999 for smoking on the plane, and for these prices you could be flying SAA"

[check Kulula's month-on-month price, remember to cross check airline prices]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"Me Tarzan, You on hold", when phoning Kulula and being put on hold.
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull the belt tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one by now, then you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town . Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-law or children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
"Welcome to Johannesburg, if this is not where you were intending to go then you have a bit of a problem."
"Anyone caught jumping on the bed at any Protea Hotel will be charged R2,50 per jump and will be billed when you check out." (part of a Kulula ad, advertising Protea Hotel rooms).

Live recording of Kulula humour

Our little collection of Kulula humour which has been recorded for posterity:

Kulula announcement after landing in Cape Town

Just when we were feeling dissapointed that there was no pre-flight humour in Johannesburg, Kulula brought out this gem of an announcement after landing in Cape Town:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, after that smooth landing we'd like to welcome you to Cape Town, where the mountain is flat, the trees are flat and the people are wonderful people. If this is not where you want to be then you have some serious issues, and I guess we'll see you sooner than we thought. We are going to ask you to remain seated with your seatbelts fastened and your cellphones switched off until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seatbelt signs have been switched off. If you need any assistance disembarking, sorry for you, help yourself...only kidding folks, we'll ask one of the greasy engineers to come and assist you. Please check the overhead storage, the seat pocket in front of you as well as your neighbour's bag for all of your nice goodies. If you do decide to leave something behind make sure it's something shiny that we can use or sell on our next flight - no children, spouses or in-laws allowed. Smoking is only allowed in certain areas in certain terminal buildings and only next to other airlines' passengers. On behalf of our captain, Wonder Woman, her right hand man, Superman, myself Prince Charming, Fiona, the Jellytot Monster and the Lochness Monster, we'd like to say thank you for flying with us today, and we'd like to see you on one of our flights in the future. Thank you, be good to yourself and those around you and enjoy the rest of the weekend."

Kulula inflight announcement

Here's a live recording of a Kulula inflight announcement. If you don't want to click through, the text is below:

"Now Ladies & Gentlemen, you know me and my wonderful team, so could you please introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Come on, don't be shy, they're not going to bite. Ladies & Gentlemen we are going to be taking you through our safety procedure on board this aircraft. We ask that you please pay attention. Before the touch down your tray tables need to be folded away, your armrest down, blinds must be opened with your lazyboys in their most uncomfortable upright position. And those seatbelts fastened low and tight around those gorgeous hips. Now unfortuanately due to load-shedding there is no aircon on board this aircraft so we have provided you with your own fanning device which shows pretty pictures on escape routes, oxygen masks and flotation devices as well as the all-important brace-position which you must use in the event of an emergency - that's just basically when we all bend over and kiss our arses goodbye. Jammer om te hoor. There are 8 emergency exits on the aircraft and the crew will do the macarena and point them out to you now - there are 2 at the front 4 overwing exits and 2 at the back. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit to you bearing in mind that it might be behind or on top of you at the time. To guide you to the exit we've placed floor-lighting in the aisle - disco style. Now in the unlikely event of Julius Malema ever speaking sense or we do have a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided - masks will drop from the right and left service panel above you. Scream softly and pull the mask down with a sharp downward jerk to activate the flow of oxygen, cover your nose and mouth and breath normally or just simply dial 911. Now on our way to Slaapstad we should be flying over a few swimming pools, 4 rivers and a large sewerage pond, so in the case of a water-landing you have your own life-jacket under the seat. On instruction from the crew, fasten the life jacket tightly around your waist and pull down the red tags to give you that wonder-bra look. There's a red whistle for survivors and a light to shine in the shark's eyes. We are a smoke-free flight and the toilets are monitored by smoke detectors & video-camera'd for the captain's entertainment. But if we do catch you smoking the Civil Aviation Authority can fine you up to R6000; and Kulula fans, for those prices you could have flown SAA today and got yourself a free bankie. All those fancy phones - those blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, iphones, uphones, mephones all interfere with the aircraft's system. We ask you now to relax and enjoy the ride."

Kulula Airlines humour after hard landings

After a hard landing on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a bumpy landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a less than perfect of a landing on a Kulula flight to Johannesburg, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Thank you for flying Kulula Airlines

"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

April fool + a dig at Fifa

"Following Fifa's complaints about a Kulula advert hinting at the World Cup, Kulula decided to trademark the sky! Here's the press announcement:

Jo'burg, 01 April 2010 - Low fare airline kulula.com has recently undergone an extensive process to trademark the Sky™, and today announced that authorisation of this trademark has been granted. The move comes following widespread unauthorised use of images of the Sky™, kulula's primary place of business. With usage of the Sky™ in South African marketing valued at over R2-billion, the widespread usage of the Sky™ has a substantial business impact on the brand value of companies that operate in it, such as kulula.

The company will be undertaking a communications programme with advertisers and media owners and major sporting event organisers to educate them on what would constitute a breach of the trademark and what is reasonable usage.

"South African advertisers have for too long assumed that because of our fun irreverent brand, we're not serious about protecting our substantial assets. kulula's trademark is defined by its operating space and so the rules apply to images or reference to the Sky™ between 10 000 and 35 000 feet above sea level. Any images of the Sky™ between these two distances are not permitted to appear in any media or marketing and special permission to use Sky™ will need to be applied for," comments Heidi Brauer, Comair's Executive Manager for Group Marketing.

"The trademark also covers words or visuals that are synonymous with the word Sky™ or directly make reference to it at any height. However, images of the Sky™, Clouds™ or Rain™ as a secondary in marketing materials will be permitted provided that the section of the SkyTM represented is below or above the restricted air-space," said Mr Habeeb Majut, senior partner at Majut and Sons.

"Whilst protecting our brand we recognise that we have to be responsible and reasonable in our use of trademarks. Any use of Sky™, Air™ or Oxygen™ under 10 000 feet is perfectly acceptable. We have to leave room for marketers and media to breathe after all, as long as this doesn't cost us money through erosion of our brand," Brauer added.

The trademark rules take effect immediately and media who wish to publish images (for example during sporting events) or words referring to the Sky™ in the near future will need to apply for authorisation without delay, as clearance is estimated to take a minimum of ninety days to process."

Kulula Airlines' dig at Mango Airlines

In a further demonstration of their sense of humour, Kulula Airlines has offered to host a party for its government owned competitor, Mango Airlines. All Mango Airlines has to do is make a profit!

Kulula plane with funnies painted onto it

name	comment

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Name	Comment
Kenneth Poli	Who writes your material. No group of airline people are that expert atstandup comedy off the cuff!
Betsy H	I want to go to S. Africa just to fly with this airline.
@ires	Any kukula of your, is a kulula of mine. Your "flying 101" spaceship is a genial marketing strategy. Keep up the good humour.
Chris	As the FAA has no sense of humor and has forbidden everything that might result in laughter, your airline would never be permitted to operate in the USA.
Bob O'Rafferty	My wife and I may never see SA but it sure becomes attractive with your get up and go~~~~ No other airline can compete as you have the original.
Max Rowland	Hey Guys Thanks for a great laugh, love the 101 Aircraft. Can you please hurry up and open a direct service from London Stansted and Atyrau Kazakhstan.
Cheri	You guys are fabulous! Living in USA and man I miss South African humour so much. Thanks bunches!!!
Fred Ashworth	I have only flown with you on three occasions but each has been a pleasure and a delight. You make light of a stressful time for some travellers. I would love a copy of your "Vaneshree the boss" in-flight safety card.
CJ Henley	Trust me, Southwest Airlines does not have a copyright on humorous lines used by flight crews/ticket agents/airline companies, many of them use humor...at least the ones worth flying. They definitely get an "A" for originality for the paint job on their aircrafts! Have you seen the "Flying 101" one? Love the inflight safety announcement, thanks for the giggles :-)
Reuben Byrd	I live in Greenville, S.C. USA. Doubt I will fly with you in Africa, but come to America and I will fly with no other airline but Kulula. I think your concept is great....put smile on my face. Thanks!
Colleen Arendse	My first flight with Kulula was a most enjoyable experience compared to other local carriers. Loved the crews humour. Made the flight seem much shorter than what it was. Will definitely fly Kulula again whenever possible! The intimations towards the 'you know what is happening in 2010...' is simply the best. Everyone is scared of the 'you know who', but Kulula!! keep up the excellent sense of humour.
Treb Namtey	It appears that every single humourous comment was directly copied from USA Southwest Airlines. Those comments have appeared on the web and in magazines.
Jonathan Lawrie	I Love kulula Airlines i would give it 5 stars for it humour on bord! I strongley suggst if you want to laugh your sock off with funny jokes then by all means fly Kulula!
diane	WE LOVE YOU KULULA AIRLINES!!!!JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW.AN ABSOLUTELY WICKED,BRILLIANT SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! If I ever get rich, I shall spend the rest of my life on your aircraft just going to where ever you are going!!!!
LISA & DES GIRD	THANK YOU FOR THIS FANTASTIC PAGE IT CHEERED UP MY CRAPPY DAY TO NO END. HOPE TO BE FLYING WITH YOU SOON.