Kulula Humour

Our little collection of Kulula humour which has been recorded for posterity:

In-flight announcements

The live impromptu in-flight announcements where Kulula's staff joke around, are the best. Here's the latest: "You know Kulula have the best looking cabin crew in South Africa, but due to rostering problems none of them are on board with us. At the front we have the boss Kate, in the middle of the cabin we have another boss Anita, further back we have another boss Abigail, and my poor self Adriano. Since you know who we are, if you don't know the passenger next to you, quickly introduce yourself them...This is a one-size-fit-all life jacket you find under your seat. On instruction from the crew pull it over your head. Once you're ready to leave the aircraft you pull down on these red thingies, and it'll give you the wonderbra look. If your boat don't float there's a manual inflation tube for you to start pomping. We're going to ask those passengers who can swim to assemble on the left side of the aircraft, for those who can't....thank you for flying Kulula.com. Our toilets are fitted with smoke detectors, as well as video cameras for the captain's inflight entertainment. If you have a problem with locating it, please follow your nose."

Kulula announcement after landing in Durban

Three minutes 50 seconds into the above video listen to this announcement: "Ladies and Gentleman, after that smooth landing, welcome to Durban, where the curry's hot I'm tuning you, you'll enjoy it today, but tomorrow you'll be doing handstands in the shower. If this is not where you want to be then you have some serious issues and I guess we'll see you sooner than we thought. We're going to ask you to remain seated with your seatbelts fastened and your cellphones switched off until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seatbelt signs have been switched off. If you need any assistance disembarking, sorry for you - help yourself. Only kidding folks, we'll ask one of the greasy engineers to come and assist you. Please check the overhead stowage, the seat pocket in front of you as well as well as your neighbour's bag for all of your nice goodies and if you decide to leave anything behind, make sure it's something shiny and valuable - no children, spouses or inlaws allowed, as we're trying very hard to get rid of our own. Smoking is only allowed within certain areas in the terminal building, & next to other airlines' passengers. On behalf of our captain, Maverick, his rght hand lady, Goose, myself, Prince Charming, Snow White, Cinderella & the jerry tot monster at the back, I'd like to say thank you for flying with us today, & I'd like to see you on one of our flights in the future. Thank you, be good to yourself & those around you, and enjoy the rest of your weekend." (see our review of this Kulula Cape Town - Durban flight).

Kulula announcement after landing in Cape Town

Just when we were feeling dissapointed that there was no pre-flight humour in Johannesburg, Kulula brought out this gem of an announcement after landing in Cape Town:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, after that smooth landing we'd like to welcome you to Cape Town, where the mountain is flat, the trees are flat and the people are wonderful people. If this is not where you want to be then you have some serious issues, and I guess we'll see you sooner than we thought. We are going to ask you to remain seated with your seatbelts fastened and your cellphones switched off until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the seatbelt signs have been switched off. If you need any assistance disembarking, sorry for you, help yourself...only kidding folks, we'll ask one of the greasy engineers to come and assist you. Please check the overhead storage, the seat pocket in front of you as well as your neighbour's bag for all of your nice goodies. If you do decide to leave something behind make sure it's something shiny that we can use or sell on our next flight - no children, spouses or in-laws allowed. Smoking is only allowed in certain areas in certain terminal buildings and only next to other airlines' passengers. On behalf of our captain, Wonder Woman, her right hand man, Superman, myself Prince Charming, Fiona, the Jellytot Monster and the Lochness Monster, we'd like to say thank you for flying with us today, and we'd like to see you on one of our flights in the future. Thank you, be good to yourself and those around you and enjoy the rest of the weekend."

Kulula inflight announcement

Here's a live recording of a Kulula inflight announcement. If you don't want to click through, the text is below:

"Now Ladies & Gentlemen, you know me and my wonderful team, so could you please introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Come on, don't be shy, they're not going to bite. Ladies & Gentlemen we are going to be taking you through our safety procedure on board this aircraft. We ask that you please pay attention. Before the touch down your tray tables need to be folded away, your armrest down, blinds must be opened with your lazyboys in their most uncomfortable upright position. And those seatbelts fastened low and tight around those gorgeous hips. Now unfortuanately due to load-shedding there is no aircon on board this aircraft so we have provided you with your own fanning device which shows pretty pictures on escape routes, oxygen masks and flotation devices as well as the all-important brace-position which you must use in the event of an emergency - that's just basically when we all bend over and kiss our arses goodbye. Jammer om te hoor. There are 8 emergency exits on the aircraft and the crew will do the macarena and point them out to you now - there are 2 at the front 4 overwing exits and 2 at the back. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit to you bearing in mind that it might be behind or on top of you at the time. To guide you to the exit we've placed floor-lighting in the aisle - disco style. Now in the unlikely event of Julius Malema ever speaking sense or we do have a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided - masks will drop from the right and left service panel above you. Scream softly and pull the mask down with a sharp downward jerk to activate the flow of oxygen, cover your nose and mouth and breath normally or just simply dial 911. Now on our way to Slaapstad we should be flying over a few swimming pools, 4 rivers and a large sewerage pond, so in the case of a water-landing you have your own life-jacket under the seat. On instruction from the crew, fasten the life jacket tightly around your waist and pull down the red tags to give you that wonder-bra look. There's a red whistle for survivors and a light to shine in the shark's eyes. We are a smoke-free flight and the toilets are monitored by smoke detectors & video-camera'd for the captain's entertainment. But if we do catch you smoking the Civil Aviation Authority can fine you up to R6000; and Kulula fans, for those prices you could have flown SAA today and got yourself a free bankie. All those fancy phones - those blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, iphones, uphones, mephones all interfere with the aircraft's system. We ask you now to relax and enjoy the ride."

Most South African Airways

New twist in Most South African Airways saga - SAA has filed a complaint for the Advertising Standards Authority.

In this cheeky ad which was released in the Sunday Times on the 3rd March 2013, Kulula claim to be "The Most South African Airways" :) Note that a similar font is used for the words as SAA use in the "South African" on their planes, and a similar (but not exactly the same) South African flag is on the tailfin like SAA has! Can't wait to see what South African Airways think of this - hopefully they'll have a humours comeback (one of Nico Bezuidenhout's first jobs as Acting CEO of SAA will be to field this)! Kulula Airline's Marketing Manager, Nadine Damen, said “We thought long and hard about a slogan that truly represents who we are as an airline and communicates our passion for South African travel, and this was the most fitting. We are proud of it and are sure it will be well received by our fans.”

Contrast that with this picture of an SAA plane.

And then SouthAfrica Travel Online weighed in with this:

And for good measure we shot off a cheeky tweet to Kulula:

To which Kulula then held a "press conference" showcasing their "very very South African Airways": "It has come to our attention that some people are unhappy with the design of our new fleet. They say it bears similarity to another airline. Personally I don't see it. So, we've been advised by our legal department to relook it immediately. So it gives me great pleasure to to introduce our redesigned fleet. We are proud to be South Africa's favourite airline and we feel this new design reflects that."

 

And now South African Airways has launched a formal complaint with the Advertising Standards Authority. SAA is not amused: "We will fight it tooth and nail to ensure that our brand and our identity are protected" says Tlali Tlali, spokesman for SAA. “SAA has meticulously built its instantly recognisable brand over a period of 79 years, and although imitation is the best form of flattery, SAA views the unauthorised use of our registered trademarks, copyrights and intellectual property in a very serious light. To this end we have engaged with our attorneys to act upon protecting these on our behalf."

 

Kulula followed up with this ad:

Kulula "Census"

Here's the "Kulula census" radio ad- also on the theme of being the "Most South African Airways": "I'm on Kulula flight MN101 from Jozi to Cape Town and we're without a doubt the most South African Airways. I've just counted, on board we've got 189 passengers, 90 who fly for business, 99 for pleasure, 36 are Zulus, 21 are Xhosas, 9 Sothos, 68 whites, 38 of them english, 30 afrikaans, 12 are hipsters, 19 coloureds, 21 Indians, 2 Rastas, 11 Jews all white, 2 goths wearing black, 34 divorcees of mixed races, 9 homosexuals also mixed, 1 transexual black and one man wearing panties and a bra, white, the man not the panties and the bra - those are black."

 

Mango gets spoofed by Kulula

Mango Airlines Lanseria is the object of this spoof-commercial by Kulula:

 

"Man go to Lanseria Airport. Mango counter. Man wanna go Cape Town. Man find out man cannot go. No man go. Then man go Kulula counter. Kulula go. Kulula call mango on orange once every hour. So you see, if man wanna go on Kulula, man go. 80% of our Lanseria flights every week are Kulula flights. So if you're travelling to or from Lanseria it is the only way to go man. Kulula.com"

Kulula's cows for Kate

The Royal family respond to Kulula's offer for cows as lobolo for the Royal Wedding.

Kulula & April fools day

1 April 2012. Following the success of Lanseria Airport, plans are made for Kulula water landings at the Hartbeespoort Dam.

1 April 2011. Kulula's 2011 April fool's joke! involves licensing commercial flights for skywriting.

Other Kulula humour

Kulula's airline attendants and pilots are known for injecting a sense of humour into situations:

"Please pay attention to the safety announcement, because you will be writing a test shortly".
"If you are caught smoking, you will be asked to leave the aircraft".
"You could be fined up to R7999 for smoking on the plane, and for these prices you could be flying SAA"

[check Kulula's month-on-month price, remember to cross check airline prices]

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"Me Tarzan, You on hold", when phoning Kulula and being put on hold.
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull the belt tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one by now, then you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town . Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-laws or children."
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
"Welcome to Johannesburg, if this is not where you were intending to go then you have a bit of a problem."
"Anyone caught jumping on the bed at any Protea Hotel will be charged R2,50 per jump and will be billed when you check out." (part of a Kulula ad, advertising Protea Hotel rooms).

Kulula Airlines humour after hard landings

After a hard landing on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a bumpy landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a less than perfect of a landing on a Kulula flight to Johannesburg, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Thank you for flying Kulula Airlines

"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

April fool + a dig at Fifa

"Following Fifa's complaints about a Kulula advert hinting at the World Cup, Kulula decided to trademark the sky! Here's the press announcement:

Jo'burg, 01 April 2010 - Low fare airline kulula.com has recently undergone an extensive process to trademark the Sky™, and today announced that authorisation of this trademark has been granted. The move comes following widespread unauthorised use of images of the Sky™, kulula's primary place of business. With usage of the Sky™ in South African marketing valued at over R2-billion, the widespread usage of the Sky™ has a substantial business impact on the brand value of companies that operate in it, such as kulula.

The company will be undertaking a communications programme with advertisers and media owners and major sporting event organisers to educate them on what would constitute a breach of the trademark and what is reasonable usage.

"South African advertisers have for too long assumed that because of our fun irreverent brand, we're not serious about protecting our substantial assets. kulula's trademark is defined by its operating space and so the rules apply to images or reference to the Sky™ between 10 000 and 35 000 feet above sea level. Any images of the Sky™ between these two distances are not permitted to appear in any media or marketing and special permission to use Sky™ will need to be applied for," comments Heidi Brauer, Comair's Executive Manager for Group Marketing.

"The trademark also covers words or visuals that are synonymous with the word Sky™ or directly make reference to it at any height. However, images of the Sky™, Clouds™ or Rain™ as a secondary in marketing materials will be permitted provided that the section of the SkyTM represented is below or above the restricted air-space," said Mr Habeeb Majut, senior partner at Majut and Sons.

"Whilst protecting our brand we recognise that we have to be responsible and reasonable in our use of trademarks. Any use of Sky™, Air™ or Oxygen™ under 10 000 feet is perfectly acceptable. We have to leave room for marketers and media to breathe after all, as long as this doesn't cost us money through erosion of our brand," Brauer added.

The trademark rules take effect immediately and media who wish to publish images (for example during sporting events) or words referring to the Sky™ in the near future will need to apply for authorisation without delay, as clearance is estimated to take a minimum of ninety days to process."

Kulula Top Gun Ad

Kulula billboard images

Staring contests in planes - don't blink, it shows weakness!

Kulula Airlines' dig at Mango Airlines

In a further demonstration of their sense of humour, Kulula Airlines has offered to host a party for its government owned competitor, Mango Airlines. All Mango Airlines has to do is make a profit!

Camoplane

Here's Kulula's "no one saw us coming" Camoplane :)