a relentless quest to expose the
cheapest flights
in, to and from South Africa
a relentless quest to expose the
cheapest flights
in, to and from South Africa
Kulula's airline attendants and pilots are known for injecting a sense of humour into situations:
"Please pay attention to the safety announcement, because you will be writing a test shortly". |
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"If you are caught smoking, you will be asked to leave the aircraft". |
"You could be fined up to R7999 for smoking on the plane, and for these prices you could be flying SAA" |
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." |
"Me Tarzan, You on hold", when phoning Kulula and being put on hold. |
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull the belt tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one by now, then you probably shouldn't be allowed out in public unsupervised." |
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." |
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite." |
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." |
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" |
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." |
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Cape Town . Please take all your possessions. Anything left behind will be shared equally between staff. Please note we do not accept unwanted mothers-in-law or children." |
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." |
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" |
"Welcome to Johannesburg, if this is not where you were intending to go then you have a bit of a problem." |
"Anyone caught jumping on the bed at any Protea Hotel will be charged R2,50 per jump and will be billed when you check out." (part of a Kulula ad, advertising Protea Hotel rooms). |
Here's a live recording of a Kulula inflight announcement. If you don't want to click through, the text is below:
"Now Ladies & Gentlemen, you know me and my wonderful team, so could you please introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Come on, don't be shy, they're not going to bite. Ladies & Gentlemen we are going to be taking you through our safety procedure on board this aircraft. We ask that you please pay attention. Before the touch down your tray tables need to be folded away, your armrest down, blinds must be opened with your lazyboys in their most uncomfortable upright position. And those seatbelts fastened low and tight around those gorgeous hips. Now unfortuanately due to load-shedding there is no aircon on board this aircraft so we have provided you with your own fanning device which shows pretty pictures on escape routes, oxygen masks and flotation devices as well as the all-important brace-position which you must use in the event of an emergency - that's just basically when we all bend over and kiss our arses goodbye. Jammer om te hoor. There are 8 emergency exits on the aircraft and the crew will do the macarena and point them out to you now - there are 2 at the front 4 overwing exits and 2 at the back. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit to you bearing in mind that it might be behind or on top of you at the time. To guide you to the exit we've placed floor-lighting in the aisle - disco style. Now in the unlikely event of Julius Malema ever speaking sense or we do have a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided - masks will drop from the right and left service panel above you. Scream softly and pull the mask down with a sharp downward jerk to activate the flow of oxygen, cover your nose and mouth and breath normally or just simply dial 911. Now on our way to Slaapstad we should be flying over a few swimming pools, 4 rivers and a large sewerage pond, so in the case of a water-landing you have your own life-jacket under the seat. On instruction from the crew, fasten the life jacket tightly around your waist and pull down the red tags to give you that wonder-bra look. There's a red whistle for survivors and a light to shine in the shark's eyes. We are a smoke-free flight and the toilets are monitored by smoke detectors & video-camera'd for the captain's entertainment. But if we do catch you smoking the Civil Aviation Authority can fine you up to R6000; and Kulula fans, for those prices you could have flown SAA today and got yourself a free bankie. All those fancy phones - those blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, iphones, uphones, mephones all interfere with the aircraft's system. We ask you now to relax and enjoy the ride."
After a hard landing on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" |
After a bumpy landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." |
After a less than perfect of a landing on a Kulula flight to Johannesburg, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." |
"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." |
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." |
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." |
In a further demonstration of their sense of humour, Kulula Airlines has offered to host a party for its government owned competitor, Mango Airlines. All Mango Airlines has to do is make a profit!
Name |
Comment |
|---|---|
Treb Namtey | It appears that every single humourous comment was directly copied from USA Southwest Airlines. Those comments have appeared on the web and in magazines. |
Jonathan Lawrie | I Love kulula Airlines i would give it 5 stars for it humour on bord! I strongley suggst if you want to laugh your sock off with funny jokes then by all means fly Kulula! |
diane | WE LOVE YOU KULULA AIRLINES!!!!JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW.AN ABSOLUTELY WICKED,BRILLIANT SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! If I ever get rich, I shall spend the rest of my life on your aircraft just going to where ever you are going!!!! |
LISA & DES GIRD | THANK YOU FOR THIS FANTASTIC PAGE IT CHEERED UP MY CRAPPY DAY TO NO END. HOPE TO BE FLYING WITH YOU SOON. |
